Family Affairs
by Suou Tamaki
Summary: What if the Host Club really was a family? What if Tamaki was Dad? And Kyouya was Mom? And so on? A crack shot written to show just how screwed up and scandalous the Suou-Ootoris would be.


"Hey Dad?" The obviously irked teenager called from across the kitchen table.

"Yes son?" The taller blonde-somehow also teenaged- called back from behind his morning paper.

"The kids at school were teasing us again."

Violet eyes peered up from over the thin, grey pages. "Why would they do that?"

"Because we have _two dads_." the boy shot back, resentfully.

"Hm?" The blonde laid the paper down, eyes still calm and questioning. "No, you don't. You have a mom."

"Moms don't have-"

"PANCAAAAAAKES!" A little golden head suddenly popped through the front door, which was conveniently open. Its eyes searched the perfectly neat checkered table cloth and counters, but alas, no pancakes.

"Oh, look!" Dad called in a overly cheery tone. "It's our neighbors, Haninozuka and Morinozuka, come to visit us!"

The smaller neighbor was sulking. "You said there would be pancakes..."

"Eh... we did?"

"Ah." The taller, dark haired neighbor lifted a calendar to Dad's face and pointed to April 22nd where- in big pink highlighter read- "PANCAKES AT THE SUOUS'"

Dad's face flushed with anger. "GODDAMMIT WOMAN!" He brought a fist down on the table. "WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE ANY DAMNED PANCAKES?!"

"Idiot." A new voice entered and with it, a slender boy with dark eyes and hair, two fingers pressed to his temple. "Shut up and make your own damned pancakes."

"I...! I don't know how..."

"And you assume that I do?"

"I work and slave out in the hot sun! You're the woman of this household!"

"I'm not a woman." ("He's not a woman!" their son chimed in.)

"All you ever do is sit around on that laptop!" Dad cried. Literally. He was crying.

"Someone has to keep finances in order around here." Mom put in sensibly before shooting him an evil eye. "Call me 'woman' one more time and you'll be sleeping alone tonight."

Dad meeped.

"Mom!" Their son groaned in his typical emo teenager nature. "Kaoru and I are being teased at school because you're a guy."

"Don't worry." Mom offered a very motherly smile as he cleaned a pair of glasses with his robe and finally placed them at the bridge of his nose. "I'll see that every single one of their families is threatened into submission."

"Gee!" Hikaru's amber eyes lit up. "Thanks mom! You're the best!"

"Don't forget to give me a list of names." Mom beamed.

"I won't!" Hikaru called back with a mischievous glint in his eyes as he sprinted off to inform his twin brother of the good news.

"Oh, those kids." Mom settled down in Hikaru's empty seat with his laptop and began typing away, the glass of his spectacles glazing over.

"D-" Neighbor Haninozuka started from the doorway. "Does this mean no pancakes?"

"Maybe tomorrow." Mom muttered from his robotic, laptop state.

"But that's what you said the last fifteen times!"

"Let's all go out for pancakes tonight!" Dad gushed, eyes wide.

"YEAH!" Haninozuka gave his approval.

"Ah." Neighbor Morinozuka nodded.

"Pancakes are a breakfast food if you weren't already aware." Mom droned on. "And besides, I'm doing bills tonight." His expression brightened at the thought of it. Flurries of numbers rushing before his inner mind.

"On the laptop." Dad simmered.

"It's the quickest way."

Dad pouted. "You love your-"

"Don't start."

"You love your laptop more than you love me."

"Not in front of the neighbors."

"If I died today-"

"Tamaki-"

"You'd say 'Oh well. At least it wasn't my laptop.'"

"Wouldn't."

"Would."

"Wou..." This was silly. "Tamaki." Mom reached out and took his husband by the hand. "I love you just as much if not more than I love my laptop...... probably."

"REALLY?" Tamaki breathed, pupils dilating by the second.

"Really." Mom sighed.

"OH KYOUYA! I'LL BUY YOU A THOUSAND LAPTOPS-" He caught something in the corner of his eye. "HARUHIIIIIII!"

Kyouya felt himself crashing to the yellow tiled floor as Tamaki scrambled over him in a rush to get to their daughter.

"HARUHIIII!"

The girl didn't have a moment's time to escape as lengthy arms reached out and wrapped her in a bear hug.

"Mmmmmph!"

"I missed you so much!"

"I saw you before I went to bed, dad!" She wrestled her face out from under his shoulders and gazed back at Kyouya. "Mom, are you okay?!"

"I'm fine." He moved his glasses back into place and began typing again. He was used to it by now.

"Haru-chan! Haru-chan!" Neighbor Haninozuka chanted. "Are you going to make pancakes?!"

"Oh, was that today?" Haruhi tapped thoughtfully at her bottom lip. She knew her mother was far too busy to make them and her father was hopeless. She supposed she would have to do it herself. "Sure!" She smiled.

"YAAAAAAAY!" Haninozuka jumped up and down. "Thank you, Haru-chan!"

Neighbor Morinozuka offered his silent gratitude.

"OOoooOOooOOoh, Haruhi!" Tamaki cooed from his place draped around his daughter's waist. "You're such an amazing cook! Unlike _someone_ I know."

"Sleeping. Alone." Kyouya growled under his breath along with something barely audible containing the phrases "should have never" and "if I'd listened to my father".

"So mean!" Tamaki growled back, louder. "That's fine." He nestled his head into Haruhi's back. "I'll just sleep with my daughter tonight."

"Child services has been curious about you lately, dad." Haruhi said casually as she poured a cup of milk into a great, turquoise bowl. "They keep asking me if I feel safe with you around."

"Eh?" Tamaki's head shot up. "What did you tell them?!"

"Nothing really." She began to stir a creamy, yellowish mix together. "Just about the time you took me shopping for bikinis in mid-winter. And when you call my name in your sleep."

"Or during-" Kyouya started to add on.

"Hey Dad!" Hikaru stormed back into the kitchen, Kaoru following not far behind.

"We need money to go out and buy that fire rocket."

Tamaki clicked his tongue in disapproval. "Now, what did I tell you guys about money to buy fire rockets?"

Both twins sighed and rolled their eyes before mumbling, "It's best to make our own money at this age in the manly way..."

"Which is?"

"Pretending to be in a homosexual, incestuous relationship and having women pay us for our services."

"Good boys!" Tamaki beamed. "And remember..." He leaned down to whisper between them. "I want to see you launch the rocket when you're done!" He put a finger to his lips. "Don't tell your mother."

"Try not to burn down the house, children." Kyouya called from the back of the kitchen, mockingly.

"We won't!" They called in unison before averting their attention toward the stove.

"Hey Haruhi!" Hikaru smirked.

"Do you want to come with us?!" Kaoru mirrored the smirk.

"No way!" Tamaki screeched. "Haruhi stays here with me!"

"Hm?" Haruhi glanced over her shoulder as she flipped a pancake and stared suspiciously at her brothers. "Why?"

"Just because!" They explained without explanation. "Can't we spend quality time with our sister?"

"I don't know..." Haruhi frowned. "Last time you guys tried to lure me into that strip club."

"WHAT?!" Tamaki screamed.

"Come on!"

"You can be part of our incest act!"

"NO WAY!"

"It was you're idea, Dad."

"Hm." Haruhi shook her head. "Come to think of it, child services have been asking about all of you." Her eyes slid in Kyouya's direction. "Except you mom."

"Huh?" Kaoru asked.

"What about that time he tried to rape you?" Hikaru asked, breaking the fourth wall.

"Well..." Haruhi drifted off into a flashback.

* * *

"_You won't do it, Mom."_

"_You're right." Kyouya pulled away from his daughter. "Although I am mildly turned on, I was just trying to prove Dad's point. Even though he'll probably divorce me a year from now to elope with you."_

"_Mom?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You're whipped."_

"_I know."_

**End flashback.**

* * *

"So as long as Dad is around, I don't have to worry about Mom."

"Well, still..." Kaoru began.

"You have to choose one of us." Hikaru finished.

"I feel sick." Dad moaned.

"You'll choose your eldest brother, right?"

"No, she'll choose the second eldest!"

"No, Haruhi loves her father!"

The neighbors stared wide eyed at the madness. Kyouya typed away, too whipped to join in. The pancakes sizzled to a crisp.

"Quit now, Kaoru!" Hikaru barked at his brother. "Mine eyes have seen the coming of Chapter 52 and you're just going to give up anyway!"

"Lies!" Kaoru cried. "All lies!"

"_You_ give up, Hikaru!" Tamaki countered. "Haruhi's going to fall in love with me and we're going to marry and have lots of inbred babies!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"ME!"

They all turned to the youngest family member. "WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE HARUHI?!"

Haruhi blinked. "Well..."

They stared expectantly.

"Actually..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm actually interested in..."

They scrambled over themselves to hear.

"Neighbor Morinozuka."

"......... WHAT?!"

Haruhi nodded. "We've actually been seeing each other for a while now."

"Ah." Morinozuka walked over to place an arm around his neighbors' daughter.

"Sorry." She smiled apologetically. "But you're all too strange for me."

Father and sons melted to the kitchen tiles.

"Come on, Mori." Haruhi smiled up at her lover. "Let's make pancakes at your place."

"Ah." Morinozuka beamed back.

"Can they be strawberry, Haru-chan?!" Haninozuka bounced after the pair.

"Anything you want, Neighbor Haninozuka."

A deafening silence fell over the kitchen as the three exited. Mom's head rose from the laptop, a knowing smirk playing on his lips. "So," He gazed down at the crushed blonde sulking on the floor. "About those laptops..."


End file.
